Perfectly Perfect

I am a perfectionist.

It really is quite frustrating especially for me since I am also a procrastinator. I put things off until the last minute until I am rushing to finish. (I will say, sometimes my best work is often my last minute work).

I recently read that the biggest procrastinators are perfectionists because they have this fear that what they are doing will not be perfect so they just put it off to avoid failure.

This is so true for me. If what I am doing does not turn out to be what I originally thought up, what I wrote down, or how I imagined it, I get beyond frustrated.

Oddly enough, I am also OCD... When I was young, it was so bad. I couldn't get a snack in the kitchen without all the cabinets being closed or leave the house unless all my shoes were in perfect order. As I've grown, my OCD has changed a bit. There are certain random things that just drive me insane. Like things not being perfectly straight or t-shirt sleeves being rolled up. It just sets off something in my brain and I can't focus until it is fixed or I can no longer see it.

Being assigned projects or speeches in school has always been hard for me. For example, this semester I am taking a speech class. Whenever I am practicing my speeches at home, I plan out everything perfectly. If i mess up, I start again until I say everything exactly right. Last week I was giving a speech and in the middle of it, I said something I hadn't planned to say and it drove me insane until the duration of my speech. I knew it was something I randomly came up with, but it was too late to fix. Being a perfectionist in a relationship is also HARD. I constantly feel like I mess up and say the wrong thing. I don't want to ruin what I have even though most the time, I'm fine and not going to mess anything up.

I've learned to not be so hard on myself and I'm trying to not procrastinate as much, but it is so hard. I hate failing at anything I do and being assigned certain tasks hurts my brain in the sense that I'm scared to fail at them. (tests are a prime example)

I guess the important thing to understand is that I was made this way, by a pereson who LOVES and APPRECIATES all my weird habits and the things that drive me insane. I can learn to live with it, but it will never go away. I will never be perfectly perfect and neither will anything I do.

I've gotten learn to live with it.

Love, Shan



Haha I proof read this thing about a thousand times for any mistakes, so there is another example of my perfectionism...